TripOut Gay Travel:
Atlantis or RSVP: What’s Your Cruise? Part Two: RSVP by Chandler Burr

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And now, Part II of my report to TripOut’s readers comparing the two major gay men’s cruise brands, Atlantis and RSVP. Part One was a November 2008 Atlantis Caribbean cruise on the massive Freedom of the Seas, of Royal Caribbean’s fleet. Here’s Part Two, an RSVP cruise on the Norwegian Star from Norwegian Cruise lines. We boarded in Los Angeles on April 18, 2009 under a warm blue sky and sailed into the Pacific, heading down to the Mexican Riviera.

And Away We Go!

American Airlines flight #19, which I had booked via American’s LGBT-specific site took me smoothly from JFK to LAX. In fact we landed an hour ahead of schedule, a nice little surprise. I drove up to my friends’ Mike and Rich’s place in the Hollywood Hills. The next morning the three of us loaded up their Audi station wagon, drove down the 405 to the Long Beach pier, parked in the lot just meters from the dock, stared up at the massive ship, argued bitterly over whether it was “the biggest we’d ever seen” (surprise), and wheeled our gigantic bags over to check-in. (Queens should always overpack for a cruise. To prep, check out the party themes listed on RSVP’s site: 70s disco, White Party, Underwear Party and yes, leather. So be sure to pack your harness and your best briefs.) Within minutes we were unpacking in our balcony staterooms on the 10th floor, then heading for cocktails up on the deck for the Bon Voyage party poolside.

On a gay cruise, everything is a party. The singles event the first night is a party. (“Green wrist bands mean ‘Go!’” the RSVP guy says to us. Some replied, “I thought they meant, ‘Do you have condoms on you?’”) Swimming is a party. Sunning is a party; the DJ’s music is pumping, the deck chairs are staked out, and suntan lotion is flying.

Even the onboard entertainment is one big party. Tuesday night was the RSVP Costume Contest-the prize a free Alaska cruise-and the audience was sometimes more decked out than the contestants. We sat next to Helga and Olga, two East German Olympic swimmers in neon pink and green whose testosterone injections had given them goatees, the poor dears.

Down on stage, host Danny Williams, decked out in as a phone company repairman with hot pink glitter ball helmet, made acid comments on the contestants. Marilyn in her white dress, platinum wig, and beard: “Boy, Marilyn’s gotta dye the beard to match the hair.” The Pillsbury Dough Boy: “He can’t stay, he has a yeast infection.” A strung out, manic drag queen named Sunny Delight: “Who knew Lindsay Lohan was on board?” Adam & Eve: “This must be Eve pre-op.” The runner-up was The Immaculate Injection, a Catholic priest with a blow-up alter boy servicing him (Danny, in shock: “I have now seen E-Ve-Ry-Thing…”). The Winner was Terry Towel, a 6′6″ drunken stumbling strung out mess—her one line was a screech at the audience, “Who does a girl have to f*ck to get a drink around here?”—who had us hysterical. She then stayed in character the rest of the day. She posed on the railing of the ship, just like Bette Davis in “Now Voyager,” except on crack.

Show People

One of RSVP’s strengths is that it regularly brings on singer Amy Armstrong and her pianist Freddy Allen. The duo performed four times, and we got there reeeeally early to get good seats. Amy is a force of nature – “I’m a six-foot tall big girl!” – who slugs down martinis on stage – “God, I f*cking love alcohol!” – and is one of the greatest cabaret performers I’ve ever seen. She torches Broadway numbers so beautifully they make you cry, then she breaks you up with laughter. Between the crying and the laughing Amy and Freddy are exhausting. “Listen, motherf*ckers,” she told us at one point, “…one thing. On this cruise? Smile at people. Say hi. Yeah, there are guys with great outsides, and it’s easy to say hi to them, but try it with a guy you normally might not. Because you may find that inside, there’s someone you really like.” So we did – we smiled, waved, said hi to people, and that’s RSVP. Everyone’s in it together.

Every tea dance, we got down. The best ones are always the 70s disco teas, and everyone always wants at least three of them per cruise. As always we wondered by no one at RSVP (or Atlantis) can figure this out. It’s a mystery, but we did as much with our one retro tea as we could. Mario dressed in gold lamé bell bottoms and Dan had platform shoes and Mike from Vegas wore a completely real 1975 porn-star moustache, and we danced and danced to Donna Summer, Chic, and Gloria Gaynor.

Every night, after dinner and the shows, we danced again. But that’s one place where RSVP differs from Atlantis. I met a nice guy reading a Kindle on the sundeck, a bear from Truro, MA. “This is our fourth RSVP cruise,” he told me. “Atlantis? We hear it’s a younger crowd of hard-core partiers.” He looks at his chubby, happy husband, downing a pina colada, and grins. “And that’s not us, dear, is it?” Harry Lit, the head of Lazy Bear Weekend, had worked with RSVP to organize the bear contingent, 400 strong, and the bears brought a distinctly mellow, laid-back atmosphere. They were into hanging out, eating-with the raw materials at the 24-hour Market Cafe I created a dessert of soft-serve ice cream, pecan, fresh strawberry, and chocolate Martha Stewart would trade inside information to get her hands on – and going to RSVP shows.

Like “The Newlywed Game,” Danny Williams, again the host, sent half of each of the four couples offstage, then asked questions you thought people would never answer: “What’s the worst sex you ever had?” The guy thought about it. “Our first 3-way.” Danny: “And when did you talk about doing a 3-way?” “On our first date.” Danny gave him a curdled look: “How romantic! ‘Won’t you be one of mine?’” To another couple: “What’s the one thing your partner does that you wish he wouldn’t?” His husband, now back on stage, said immediately, “I bet he said it’s that I squeeze his nipples too hard?” Danny: “That’s correct!” We all cheer. Danny: “So you gonna stop doing that?” “Oh, hell no!”

Land Ho!

In Cabo, our first port on our second day, we wandered the waterfront, shops selling silver and gold, men putting lizards in sombreros on our heads, then encamped in an umbrella-covered beach restaurant and drank margaritas and ate tamales and drank margaritas and drank some more margaritas. On Mazatlan, the next day, most of us stayed onboard and colonized the pools. The day after that in Puerto Vallarta, under a blazing sun in a Mexican sky, huge groups of us headed to the gay beach, forming what looked like a massive homosexual seal colony. Others did shore excursions: swam with dolphins, scuba’d, bicycled off-road, and careened-screaming, naturally-down ziplines hung from steep hills. Then back on board for our last two days at sea toward Los Angeles.

On the last day of the cruise, Charlie Rounds, the President of RSVP, held an “Ask Charlie” session which is a great chance to hear inside info, complain, compliment, and find out everything you want to know about RSVP cruises, including how they differ from Atlantis cruises. “Amy said it onstage last night,” said Charlie. “We’re ‘Minnesota nice.’” (RSVP is headquartered in Minneapolis.) In fact, he said, Atlantis guests are only 4 years younger on average than RSVP passengers. What differs, he said, is what people want. “The best illustration of the difference,” said Charlie with a grin, “is that when Atlantis bought us…” (Atlantis bought RSVP in 2007) “…they looked at our itinerary and saw a 9am lecture. They said, ‘Wait-you mean 9pm, right?” We said no, 9am. They said, ‘So it would be for people to go to after the After Party after the Dance?’” He laughed. “Atlantis has the intense lights, the huge dances, the music that’s louder and goes longer. Both products are great, obviously. And it’s great that you can choose one where people dance till dawn or one where some people actually get up at dawn, where they go to the gym or have breakfast and are then eager for a lecture at 9am.”

The size of the ships and cruises is also clearly differentiated. “You’ll never,” said Charlie, “see us on the huge Royal Caribbean or Celebrity ships” (Royal Caribbean is building the largest cruise ship in the world: 5,400 guests) “both because we prefer Holland America and Princess and because we won’t ever get larger than 2,000 guests. RSVP is going to be going to smaller ships.”

The very last night, we couldn’t help feeling sad. My cabin was far aft (front), and I strongly recommend it; all week I had opened the doors to my balcony and let the sound of the waves that the prow made cutting through the ocean lull me to sleep each night. I’d started packing. At 10:30pm I went down for one last show with Amy and Freddy. She rocks “Moonlight,” then says, “You gotta give it up for the room stewards! They’re amazing!” and tells a story she’d just heard from two guys who’d left all their toys and leather harnesses in a pile on their bed. “And when they got back the room was spotless, sheets changed, and the dildos washed and laid out on doilies from largest to smallest. No judgments! Now THAT is a steward!”

Amy torches “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” and we’re entranced, and Freddy on piano makes a brilliant little bridge out of “If I Only Had A Brain,” and we all laugh. Amy rocks “The Pussy Song,” unfurls the ballad “Get Here If You Can” like a sheet of silk on wind, and then, “Sing nighty-night and kiss me / Just hold me tight and tell me you miss me / While I’m alone and blue as can be / Dream a little dream of me.” We applaud wildly. It’s midnight. We’re going to be docking at 7am. “Go pack, bitches!” Amy shouts over the applause. We leave to pack, sleep, and disembark with our passports and customs forms and memories. “Dream a little dream of me…”

For more information on RSVP cruises, visit http://www.rsvpvacations.com

For great flights to virtually any RSVP departure port, visit American Airlines LGBT-specific full-service site, http://www.aa.com/rainbow. You can also learn about fare sales, gay travel news and special offers just for you!